Surviving Violence & Emotional Abuse to Self Empowerment

**This may trigger you, it may make you feel uncomfortable, just breathe, once you get through the discomfort-that is where healing begins...All my posts are prayed on, so that all triggers, reactions, negative thoughts and reactions are INSTANTLY blessed and purified to keep the web and me, Barbara is absolutely safe and protected by Creators Love....and always with Great Pleasure.

This has been coming up for me lately and one of the reasons I am so fussy in who I let in my life. I honestly have a hard time trusting people, so I learned to trust myself, my knowing, my intuition and my guides. If it is a no from my whole being and guides, then it is a no.

**Therefore, trust yourself and using your own instinct-that is where the knowing, intuition and where your guides first communicate with you.

I first had to sit back and analyze the patterns in my life, starting with the first relationship I ever saw. I had to look at characteristics of my parents, aunts, uncles and the people who were in my life at a young age. All of them to see what they showed me in action, what a relationship is.

Then I had to look inside of myself to see that it was I was attracting based on what was shown to me about relationships. First how my mother loved herself (or not loved herself), how she treated herself and the same for my father. They showed me how to treat myself. Then I had to look at how the adults around me treated their friends, what was said, how they were talked to and that showed me how to be friends with others; yes there are good qualities and not so good qualities.

When we analyze IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO SEE BOTH SIDES, the good and the bad, because we need to understand how we learned from behaviors in our younger years. Remember, who your parents and adults where as a child, is not the same person they are today. Holding grudges, being angry, not forgiving, blaming and hating will not allow growth. The analyzation will help you TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHOICES IN YOUR TEENS AND ADULTHOOD. The old way is as soon as you go through puberty, you are an adult, this is why I say teens and adulthood.

So now this is where I ask myself, "Can I be my own best friend?" Based on my history, if I met myself 20 years ago, I probably would have beat the shit out of myself. I did not like myself, I hated myself, I believed I was ugly, unwanted, not enough and needed a man to make me whole. Today, it's a different story, we would be so damn fun, everyone would notice us.

I was just trying to find patterns. I also did major research into the history of mankind that went past residential schools, because it had a direct impact in my family and my community. I wanted to know why our people were so bleeped up and why are they NOT TAKING ON THE OLD TEACHINGS?!?! You will find your answers in history and where belief systems come in, we are basically following male teachings, from people who suppressed their humanity, suppressed their inner desires and sexuality. Basically they put their issues on everyone else and created rules and laws-THAT STILL EXIST IN THE PSYCHE (minds) OF MANKIND.

We are governed IN OUR MINDS by old horny men who had sexual issues and blamed women for seducing them and 'making them do things' instead of taking responsibility for having animal instincts and embracing their own power as a man with their creational power. Yes I am blunt. So now I am going to say, WHO are you going to feed?? Old horny men or expand your mind and follow your own spirit? (Instincts, gut feelings, intuition, knowing and your own guides).

So yes, I had to deprogram my mind from old dogmatic teachings from old horny men and literally rewrite them one at a time, so I could be comfortable in my own skin. I learned that men and women (yes both), who don't know the old ways will attempt to keep a woman in her place, at home, with the children and co dependent. It does not matter if they say that is not what they believe, it is in their psyche/a DEEP belief system that they are not aware of. It is the actions and how things are worded that show the belief system ingrained into us.

I.e; Slut shaming, judging on how people dress, people have to fit a 'normal' and if they don't they are not one of us and certain rules in our minds that no longer fit today. The long term goal for self is to stop judging ourselves, so we can stop judging others...To love ourselves so we can love everything. It is like the old saying, you can love everything, you don't have to like it. And if you do both that a huge step; to love and like yourself is a really good thing. I know.

That is why historical research is KEY if you want to have a healthy relationship with yourself, it starts with the belief systems 'literally put into the people' with DNA, Memory Cell and Spiritual Transmissions-through ALL Abuses, DNA exchanges and Spiritual Transmissions-it was forced and no permission was ever given. A spiritual and physical violation.

I also did research on my family as far back as I could, finding out all the trauma, family violence, unspoken behaviors also the legends, stories and gifts. Each family has both, my intention was to take all the darkness of upspoken truths and shine light on it, to dissolve it in the bloodlines. So as I listened, I prayed at the same time that all trauma leave the person sharing the story, for it to be blessed and purified in them, in the bloodline and in me. I could see the energy coming out as grey and turning white. ***You can pray as people talk too, its your choice.

Also we attract from our historical content, we also attract the very first person we 'fell in love with' as a child. Yes children can fall in love, or they think it is love and they don't learn until later it was adult sexual teachings too soon. So I had to write a list of all the teachers characteristics, what they looked like, how they dressed, how they talked, what they smelled like, how the treated me and how they rejected me and so on. That has a DIRECT impact our whole lives. It also gave me a good idea of what I was attracted to or rejected when I was a teen and adult.

So now; historical content, family behaviors, what I witnessed as a child and the first person I fell in love with, with mixed confused sexual/love teachings. Put all of that together and you will see 'what you are attracted to" with your own history, memories, family stories, historical impact on the brain, family members and the first person who taught you what you thought was love.

This is how I choose the person I was with for many years, not knowing that I choose a person with the same history and all of above listed. Like attracts like. And once I was aware of it, I literally wrote out every characteristic and behavior with each person, so I could say to each one, "I admit I have done this one (and say the behavior or characteristic), I mastered the borrowed human behavior, I let it go of the borrowed human behavior and now I have decided to love me unconditionally."

1. Admit "Creator I admit....I have done ______"

2. Say the Behavior "I have mastered the BORROWED human behavior"

3. Let it go "I let go of the borrowed human behavior"

4. Put goodness back in "Now I have decided to _______"

**What do you do when you borrow something??? Give it back better than before. It can be intended to be blessed and purified so no one gets hurt.

So then I looked at the characteristics of the man I was once married to and holy shit the shoe fit. Once I got rid of all the borrowed human behaviors and put goodness back it-it shifted out and my desires changed. I then made decisions on what a healthy relationship was 'to me' and created my own definition. But first I had to research a healthy relationship so it was clear in my mind.

The pattern with the relationship I had was violent, put downs, emotional control, manipulations, death threats, the person threatened to kill themselves if I didn't take him back, the person went after anyone who showed me interest and threatened them, put a knife to me, threw me around, choked me, pointed a gun at me and told me 'no one will ever want you.'

Once he would get to me, break me spiritually, when I would emotionally say that is enough, if I take him back, it will stop. Well it does for a little while and then the bullshit starts again. The last ten years was a whole lot of emotional abuse and neglect on the relationship. As much as I asked for dates, walks, trips out of town to have a small honeymoon without the kids, talk more and bring the 'in love back' he would always say "Why? or It costs to much...." He could not see I was connecting to him and he would slap my hand away.

The fifth and last time I left, he could not break me this time because I was educating my mind on all kinds of human behaviors and historical impacts. This time he went after me through the people around me. We were both sober for ten years and yes we were young and had rough beginnings, so what he did was tell everyone my skeletons, although it was not his story to tell, he made me out to be a monster. He failed to tell people, that was Barb when she was 14 to 25 and oh yeah the last ten years we sobered up and she started healing herself after she sobered up.

So he told lies, gossip and 'my' story without permission to his coworkers, my family, my friends, his friends and anyone who would listen to him. I was isolated, hated and gossiped about, which led to MASSIVE PSYCHIC ATTACKS. My family turned their back on me and it took FIVE LONG YEARS for them to finally see that I was not lying and I am suppose to be where I am.

That was a cycle I had to uncover and analyze too. I had to see where I added to it, I took full responsibility for my part and came to realize "I choose that life and that experience." That was a doozy and boy I learned the more I hated him, I would become him, so I chose to forgive him...so I could write my own future.

So this time, I wrote out all the things I DID IN THE RELATIONSHIP and did the whole admit thing to Creator, so I could forgive myself. I too did some pretty shitty things in my life and in the relationship I had. Believe me, I got some punches in too and did some shady things in my life. I had to realize that if I want to forgive him, I had to forgive myself first for what I did and my contribution to the break up. All the anger I had towards him was really anger at myself for staying, not setting boundaries and that I choose it all.

The historical research and human behavior research helped me see the whole picture and it took me from a blame/victim mode to knowing what to do/self empowerment. I had to see that I was co dependent and a broken person before I met him. That it was up to me to fix me, that it was my responsibility as an adult to recreate Barbie to Barbara. I had to figure out "who I am" outside of everyone else, I learned what all our decisions are based on our family, children, spouse and parents. So I have been recreating myself for myself and I still catch myself today, making decisions that includes everyone. I correct it and say "This is for grown ass Barbara now."

My whole life until my 40's, I lived with people, my parents, to my sister, to marriage, common law, room mate, having my kids back and going home for school to nothing...man it was a scary shift for me and when I was in it...I was like "that's it, it's not scary to be alone." I got use to it, I do miss company, playfulness and intelligent conversations. Yet I have been more complete the last two years than all of my life, because I complete me now. I had a lot of growing up to do and came to some big realizations.

This is a summary of the last 20 years of my life, so be gentle on yourself, research, open your mind, find yourself and love yourself now and into the future. We are not our past, that is what made us who we are today, beautiful people with life's experiences that we can use to help guide others out of the darkness and back into the light.

I use to believe I was too broken for anyone to want me or love me...that has changed with the help of my best friend and common law on the other side. From there I took charge of my life and made it even bigger, better and your all gonna get it now. :) I am making my own path now and I have decided to share what I know openly and continue with loving myself, because today I know my worth.

The more you know you...the stronger your roots...your foundation is strong.

Sharing with unconditional love, peace, unity calmness and great pleasure

Barbara M. Moreau