There are times in my life that I felt I am not good enough, it is an old pattern learned in my formative years, from how people treated me, the life's experiences and from the programming of my mind and what was put in there. If you knew my whole story you wouldn't want to be with a broken person who put themselves back together with duct tape, gorilla glue and tons of unconditional love.
My mind was fucked up and I had to rewrite the old beliefs on my body, relationships, what I think of myself and how I treat myself. The amount of verbal abuse I have gone through in my life would scare you away because those old programming still comes up and I have to correct myself all the time. I still have to rewrite old patterns that come up and I am constantly working on myself.
My body has been put through the meat grinder with Adult Sexual Teachings too soon (aka sexual abuse), the rape I have gone through as a 12 year old & at 25 years old and even in the past marriage multiple times. I have had to have corrective surgery to fix sexual trauma from childhood and having children. I realized that in sexual trauma , sexual assault and all the people I allowed in my space...all of their DNA, memory cells, perceptions, beliefs, attitudes and energy was inside of me...and I removed it all in ceremony with the help of Creator and the Other Side.
My spirit was broken over and over, with the beatings and energy put into me with harsh words. Those brainwashing tactics go deep and I have shifted them out and rewrote them so I can remember who I am and the main purpose I am here. My spirit was left behind in every negative life experience and every time I told Creator my story, I called every piece back. I still do this when I have memories come back and with triggers. I have learned that what I don't remember, my spirit will remind me and to remember "I am NOW strong enough to face it if I have a memory or spiritual trigger."
My emotions took me many years to get them under control, once I learned that all the emotions I felt were because of what was put into me in times of trauma, negative life's experiences and were other peoples stuff. That I learned to remove other peoples transferred emotions that was forced into me so I could process through my own emotions. Every single person who touched me, hit me, gave me dirty looks, judged me and in every interaction, I became them and did not know it. Today, I am more me than I have ever been with all the self healing.
My identity was lost in my life and I have put my pieces back. I have figured out who I am, what I want, what I need and what I desire. I know my worth, I know I am enough, I know I am lovable and I deserve nothing but the best and unconditional love. I now know there is nothing wrong with me and it is not my fault, I am only responsible for me and what I choose to do in life from this moment on for the rest of my life.
I do also realize that without all these life experiences I wouldn't be able to help all the men and women who have come to me for help in the last 20 years. There is a part of me that choose this life, as fucked up as that sounds, my spirit choose my life path and if I didn't have it I would not be me today. That every life's experiences has made me one strong women who knows what she wants in life.
Once you lose the best relationship in your life, once you have been put through the meat grinder of life, there is no more time for bullshit. When you see death, when you face it in the eyes, when you see the light leave the eyes, when you see the soul leave your loved ones physical body, when you see LIVE how the Angels come and pick up your loved one, you know there is more to life than what is here. Your whole life and perceptions changes for the better and you only want the best!
Last year I manifested a life partner, I asked for the best, someone 'close to my age' and I got to see a figure how tall he was, his body shape, his eyes and he looked at me. I was only allowed to see his eyes. I just about shit my pants and I got shy because he could see right through me and there was no judgement, it was intense. (Just so you know I 'rarely' get shy) My guides told me you will know by his eyes, it will be a magnetic force from the whole spirit like your previous relationship and it will be better than your last. Fuck I didn't know it could get better, I will believe it when I live it. For now I will do it for myself.
This past year, lots of old life's experiences have come up for me because it is time for it to leave, so I don't carry that on in the next connection I choose to have. This year has been transformative for me on many levels, I have taken many courses, lots of ceremonies, lots of prayers, lots of writing, lots of crying to release, and lots of self care.
In the end, it is my choice to take on the relationship that is coming. I still struggle with losing my freedom, having to share my time and giving up my time.-that is from old programming, so that is what I am working through. I got use to being alone and when I think about the last relationship and how wonderful it was, that is the part that I want, need and desire.
Self worth and just knowing I am enough takes a shit load of work and if you see a women who has healthy confidence, SEE THE WORK BEHIND THE SCENES. There has been many times they broke, they were broken, they got back up, they healed, they cried, they screamed for help, they prayed, they begged for their loved one to come back from the dead, they wrote, they picked up their pieces and healed themselves with the help with the other side, duct tape gorilla glue and unconditional love.
And if any of this is used as ammo, my guides will take care of it. I am tired of people using my stories as ammo, assumptions, hidden intentions, accusations and to use it to hurt me. My stories are here to help, guide and heal...because if this ole lady can do it, so can you. KNOW YOUR WORTH & YOU CAN SEE OTHERS WORTH!!
Made with unconditional love, peace, unity and calmness,
Barbara M. Moreau
Angel who Dances on the Clouds & Mountain Stream
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