Defining Your Own Healthy Relationship

How do we choose the people in our lives, well first we have to look at what ALL adults taught us growing up and their behaviors. Our past shows up in our own behaviors of today.

Want to find a good partner? Look at how the mom treated the dad. And how the dad treated the mom. Ask them how did your father/mother treat their other half? Learn about a person before you even consider taking them on because their actions will show you WHO THEY ARE IN BEHAVIORS.

If one was a cheater, than it is more likely you will have a person who has learned to do those behaviors and will hide it well. Even if you never grew up with your one or both of your parents, the women inherit the moms behaviors and the men inherit the dads behaviors. So start asking questions so you are aware and you can choose a better outcome for yourself. It's better to face reality than to ignore it, because it will come up in your own life as life's experiences.

If mom was a people pleaser, that is what you will look for. If dad was distant that is what you will look for. And if you want to further that, go a little deeper. The very first person who taught you adults sexual teachings is also what you seek in a lover and over time you will turn them into your mother or father. This is done by comments like "why are you wearing make up, you don't need it? First of all, just because your mother does not wear make up, does not mean the person you are with will have to follow suit and remember if they did not ask for your permission or opinion.

Did you know it just takes one little comment to change a persons behaviors in how they dress, act and how they present themselves. Even if you laugh loud and they look at you from across the room, like that mothers look, you know they want you to be quiet. Most comply, I know I did. As soon as I complied I took on their belief to not laugh loud. We don't realize in complying we take on their belief and they KNOW inside they got you and can manipulate you. It does not matter if you are man or woman, it is behaviors and conditioning one another.

So if you want the BEST relationship, start with yourself, uncover all your own history, get to know your family, family beliefs, perceptions, behaviors, attitudes, opinions and uncover the negative traits and positive traits. Then you can choose which one you will use and let go of. Write it down if you have to, write the negative behaviors and then place tobacco on it and burn it. Then write down all the amazing and good things and keep that and build on it.

Then research everything under the sun, manipulation, conning, lying, cheating, thrill seeking, hidden actions, narcissism traits, narcissistic mothers/fathers (this one will show you how nuns and priests taught our people to be in all relationships), cycle of abuse, conditional love, emotional manipulation, emotion whittling, emotional pulling, alcohol effects on adulthood, sexual abuse effects in adulthood, etc. Then you can have the eyes to see and realize "Yes I know all the fucked up things about having a unhealthy relationship." Now all that you have researched it, use it to show you what 'you have done.' I did all my own admitting to Creator with my own research and said "Creator I did this behavior (said what it is outloud) and I let it go, please forgive me, I forgive myself. I told on myself with everything and it allowed the shame and guilt to leave.

NOW PUT THE GOODNESS BACK IN. Research healthy relationships, healthy boundaries, how to implement healthy boundaries, codependent, independent, and interdependency, immature relationships and mature relationships, clear communications, healthy arguing, types of communication, how to speak up for yourself, how to clear your throat to speak up, speak you own Absolute Truth (your own story to Creator), healthy sexuality, your human rights, sexual rights, religious rights, human rights, coping skills, life skills, processing and naming your feelings and emotions, emotional maturity, how to put words to your feelings, how to take responsibility for your own crap and feelings, understand responsibility works so what is yours and what is theirs, taking charge of your own life and so on...

NOW YOU SEE ALL SIDES and you can make up your own choice in what you want and don't want in your life as behaviors. This is why researching, reading, defining words, watching video's helps a person open their perspective and change your own behaviors.

Then you can write down what it is you want in a healthy relationship and live it daily with yourself. Kind of like if you want to be validated, then validated yourself. Want love, then hug yourself and say I love you to self daily. Want to be treated with respect, then treat yourself with respect. Want healthy boundaries, then have healthy boundaries with yourself AND STICK TO IT. Want to trust, then trust your own intuition and knowing first.

Practice being unconditional and loving with yourself so it doesn't scare you when you actually meet a person who is healing, healthy and will treat you the way you always deserved. Most of us were trained in conditional love and run away and always go back to the bad guy/girl. Once you retrain yourself to be kind, gentle, loving, fun and be ok with your own sexuality, then you will find your match.

Write out your own beliefs in relationships and rewrite the ones that no longer fit because we take on religious teachings in all relationships and it affects us on how we treat others. So once you uncover all of that, it becomes easier for you to not own, possess or control others,. It is a lot of work to do and it is knowing your OWN WORTH that will push you to find you and define your own healthy relationship...YUP I wrote my own meaning of a healthy relationship using my life's experiences, research and what I have always wanted to experience that I have not yet found.

So just be you, keep on trucking and love yourself unconditionally. And be kind to self, because we learn when we are ready to 'hear it'.

Made with unconditional love, peace, unity and calmness

Barbara M. Moreau