Create Your Own Closure

I had to rewrite this a few times so I could make sure that it came from a place of kindness and gentleness. I have a lot to say about my experiences of not having my own closure, that was deliberately taken from me when it came to seeing the final ceremony for Manyhorses.

Just KNOW we can do our own ceremonies, fire ceremonies, traditional dances, heal though others by witnessing and prayers to help ourselves with this process. I didn't get to see the final laying of his ashes and it was devastating to me, I got to watch video clips through FB messages from a close friend, who thought of me.

I sat on a bench outside of a conference I was running and bawled my eyes out, wishing I could be there because I was there the last seven years of his life, we were common law for the last five and I thought that meant something to the people who left me out. It was deliberate action and I know it. Can you imagine not being able to attend your own common laws final resting place and ceremony? Yup, there was lots of sorrow, mistrust, anger, rejection and just plain hurt.

Yet even people we barely know can help us, through the parts that we missed.

It was about three years after his passing that I got to witness a woman cry for her husband at a grave site. I got to see her be herself and show her true feelings, where I was told not to cry, not to talk about his death, don't show them weakness and to be strong.

In that moment, I was standing beside my aunt and I could not help but cry with the woman. She wailed, she cried like the Elders use to, she begged, she pleaded, she cried loud and hard and she wanted her best friend back. I could feel her emotions come out of her being, because it was helping me at the same time, I was releasing too. It was an HONOR to see that and I got to see myself and what I did alone at home or when I had time to be in the forest. No one saw that rawness because I would not allow it and this made me SO PROUD to see a woman be in her true grief.

That changed me in a good way and I sent her and her children lots of prayers after that, I still do, because I can truly understand to her DEEP sorrow, pain, all the waves of emotion and a total loss of self. After that experience, I had to go in the forest again and allow myself to wail out to the ancestors in pain and sadness. I told them how it was not fair that I could not be in my true grief, that I missed my own closure at a grave site and that I was choosing to do it in that moment. It was a huge shift because she showed me how. I thank you sister with my whole being and I send blessings with all the love I have in me.

She helped me with closure, I got to see it from the outside looking in and it was so beautiful. So the teaching is others will help you along the way and sometimes they don't even know they are helping you.

The day of the ceremony with Manyhorses, there was a drum dance for the Treaty Conference and for some odd reason they played an OLD song, it was a dance for those who were grieving. I listened with my whole being, danced and prayed hard. No one knew what was going on and I just did what I had to. And that helped me contribute to his passing and the grieving I was going through.

I also confided in a friend and female healer back home, we did a fire feeding ceremony and I fed Manyhorses and all of our ancestors. I prayed and asked for forgiveness for his family for forgetting about me and I felt at the time a deliberate omittance of the proper date. My body was so heavy and filled with sadness because I was not able to have my own closure and I felt ripped off.

Then I went to the water too, I put my feet in the river and prayed and talked to my guides. That was a personal ceremony. I told them how hurt I was and I needed help, guidance, healing and inner strength so I don't go all Barbie on the people who left me out. (I use to fight in my younger years). Yes I was that angry and when I prayed in the water, I could feel the anger leave me.

I could feel Manyhorses with me at all times I was giving myself closure and he would smile. I could feel him smile. He always told me we have that old scrapper energy that wants to come out and play and to remind ourselves in those moments "That one has to stay wise." And remember to use ceremony in a good way.

So when a loved one passes, follow their direct instructions because stature is SEEN FROM THE OTHER SIDE, it has to do with honoring the loved one, the old ways, their ancestors and all guides and spirits who are watching.

Made with unconditional love, peace and unity,

Barbara M. Moreau

Angel who Dances on the Clouds & Mountain Stream